Post by Mr. January on Nov 12, 2020 19:56:58 GMT
Could you repeat that...? Applevent- tuotos
[15.11.2020]
The last day of the weekend started as clear and chilly as it was still quite early in the morning. The stables were dead and quiet, no one had started doing their mourning routines yet. And then there was I, standing in the middle of the manége, staring at jumps some stable boys had managed to get together the day before. It was a simple course of low jumps, made for the participants to warm up before the actual competition later today. Simple. Easy. And yet for some reason I couldn't get myself to climb on the saddle.
Loge was standing next to me, calm and waiting. His big fluffy ears were sharply pointing upwards and impressive brown eyes were looking eagerly over the course in front of us, though he didn't dare to make a sound.
I was feeling anxious and tiny bit of nausea, and by the looks of it Loge was starting to sense it too. It wasn't the jumps really. Those were something we had done hundreds of times together. No, it was those thoughts that had slowly started crawling their way back to the surface, all the way from friday when we had done our dressage partition. All those memories that I'd rather have forgotten were now making me feel utterly and completely useless.
It was pathetic, I had to admit. Because what kind of an horseman couldn't get his ass up on a horse and ride the damn course? I felt paralysed every time I tried and I beat myself for it. Loge didn't need this sorry excuse of a rider to-
"You know, those jumps won't disappear no matter how hard you keep glaring at 'em," someone said in a low voice. I jolted in surprise, twirled around and felt rush of embarrassment crawling on my skin. How long had I been standing here like a goddamn statue? "I wasn't glaring at anything," I murmured under my breath while casting curious looks at the strangers appearance.
From what I could see the man in question was close to his 30's with wavy blond hair and a beard that covered half of his face. He wore a weird looking hippie shirt with blue jeans that oddly complimented his slim form. The man was casually leaning against the edge of the auditorium, wore a slightly tilted cowboy-like hat and had a lazy smile plastered on his face. "No? That's one hell of a resting face then." His remark made me scoff which only seemed to widen his own smile. "What do you want?" I asked the stranger, feeling slightly defensive of the whole ordeal.
"To see you two perform those jumps," the man said sharply. "Your horse sure does look willing, so are you gonna?" I quickly glanced at Loge, almost wishing he would be just as unwilling as I was. But of course it was just like the stranger had said. Loge was getting more anxious by the minute, making some side-steps and all that. I threw another nasty glance at the blond, hating the fact that he indeed was right.
So, back to the task right? Right. How hard could it be?
I got myself almost convinced by the time I sat in the saddle. And then I was staring at the jumps and could feel my body starting to tense up in oh-so familiar manner. Cold sweat trickled down my face. My knuckles were getting somewhat white from squeezing Loges reins too hard. And then this dulling pain in my left shoulder came crashing down.
I was shaking. Not quite as much as in my past experience, but it was still noticeable. My breath was getting shorter as well. That was the moment when I bolted off of Loge.
While still aware of the strangers presence by the side, I bit back the increasing feeling of nausea that tried to take over. It took me about half a minute to calm my breath and finally acknowledge the unnerving feeling of being stared down. This was humiliating! I should just ignore the blond dude and get the hell out. I should have, hell, no one would have blamed me for it. But when my blue eyes met his grey ones there was no laughter or mockery being seen. Pity? Maybe, but more than that I could have sworn I saw flicker of understanding and I- I... Ah fuck.
"I've got nothing to prove to you," I snapped at him defensively while walking closer, Loge feeling docile and following closely behind. The man held both of his hands up in the air as a sign of yielding. "No you don't, but you got everything to prove to yourself."
What? "The hell does that mean? You've got no idea-"
"Try me," he abruptly stopped me. I kept staring at his eyes, searching for even a crumble of proof of getting played but couldn't find any. In fact all I saw staring back at me was pure determination and seriousness. I didn't like it 'cos it made me feel weak and exposed, and yet still...
I averted my gaze. "We had an accident a few years back. I made this stupid mistake at a competition that smashed my shoulder into pieces and got him his leg broken," I began quietly. "Now I've already sorted out the problem awhile ago, it took me quite some time but I managed it. Yet sometimes there are these... moments where I get reminded of what happened in the past, like memories. Except while I stay here my mind goes elsewhere to relive it, and I can't get away. I can feel my-"
"-body paralysed like it's shutting down. Then comes shortness of breath, tremors and nausea, until you manage to get a grip of yourself even just for a second to get away from it. But you won't, not really. Because even when you are not reliving the moment you can still feel it in the back of your head, waiting for a right time to surface. And the fear that comes within knowing that it could happen at any time? Well, there's not much worse than that," the man ended quietly. I didn't know what to say 'cos yeah, that was exactly what it was like. The hippie knew it, and he knew I knew it too.
Well shit, I thought surprised. Appearances could really be deceiving.
The blond carried on, "I had a stupid accident too, except it was worse for me. I had this absolutely breathtaking grey warmblood back in the day, Sonata I called him. He died on the scene and I was left paralysed from waist down." The man wore a sad smile on his face. "My body took quite a while to heal, and when it finally did nothing was the same anymore. It was like my mind was utterly broken and useless. I struggled a long time with myself." I had closed the remaining few steps between us while he was talking till there was only few feet separating us. Then the blond fell silent and we were left looking at each other in growing silence.
There were no need for words because we knew each others pain. It was clear as a day in his eyes too, and briefly I wondered why I hadn't realised it earlier. "It's Dewn", the man interrupted my thoughts. Dewn, I played with the name for a second, then offered him a comforting smile and asked, "How did you manage to get better?"
"I found clarity, amongst other things. But above all I understood that in life there's only one way and it's forward. That even though we are products of our past, we don't have to be prisoners of it," came the answer. Dewn reached past me and gave Loge a few good pats on the neck. The horse observed him curiously and breathed in his smell. He was clearly enjoying the attention I had failed to give him, which made me roll my eyes in turn.
"Right well, if you fancy a beer after this-" I tilted my head towards the jumps, "then give me a shout. I recon we might find each others company rather enjoyable." But the man stilled right after, and for a second I was left wondering if I had red the room wrong.
"I'm waiting for someone," Dewn managed after a moment, but not before offering me an apologetic smile. "I don't know if I'll be able-" he started but I intercepted. "Zero expectations, we can share our war stories and lose our minds together. See where we find ourselves at the end of the day," I told him with a half-smile and Dewn answered with one of his own before taking a leave.
"Perhaps."
Alexiinan kommentti:
(Vastaan tähän saman kuin sinulle jo osallistumisen yhteydessä erikseen laitoin)
On aivan pakko hehkuttaa tätä tarinaasi; miten hyvin (paitsi englannin kielellä, niin ihan tarinallisessakin mielessä) kirjoitettu!! Kuvasit niin kauniisti Dewnin, että hyvä ettei itku päässyt T_T Olisiko herroille voinut ehkä aueta tästä jonkinlainen myöhemminkin yhteyksissä pidettävä toveruus? Leppoisasta hyvä jätkä -hengestään huolimatta Dewnin todelliselle ystävälistalle on pitkä tie - jaettava trauma tosin on siinä varmasti edesauttava osatekijä. Eikä hänellä oikeastaan ole koskaan ollut ketään, jonka kanssa olisi saanut jakaa vakavan ratsastusonnettomuuden ja sen elämään loppuiäksi jättämien traumojen vaiheet. Onnettomuudesta puhuminen ei ole hänelle enää vaikeaa (vaikka totta kai aina aiheuttaa sen inhottavan tyhjyyden ja muljahtelun tunteen jonnekin vatsan ja rinnan seudulle) ja kokisi varmasti tyydytystä voidessaan ehkä auttaa jotakuta toista, joka ei vielä ole yhtä hyvin kauhuistaan ylipäässyt.
Dewn ei tosiaan ole yli vaimonsa lähdöstä, mutta life goes on. Kaukokaveruus kävisi hyvin, vaikka Dewn teknologiaa karsastaakin. Hänen isovanhempansa asuvat Suomessa, joten ehkä Nikillä ja hänellä on mahdollisuuksia tavata, jos Dewn joskus sillä suunnalla poikkeaa? Hän kun kuitenkin matkustelee mielellään. =) Ja tietysti jos Niki ja Loge osallistuvat vastaisuudessakin Orange Woodin tapahtumiin, siitä saa lisää jutun juurta! Niki tulee varmasti sopivissa kohdin vilahtelemaan Dewnin tarinoissa.
Alexiinan kommentti:
(Vastaan tähän saman kuin sinulle jo osallistumisen yhteydessä erikseen laitoin)
On aivan pakko hehkuttaa tätä tarinaasi; miten hyvin (paitsi englannin kielellä, niin ihan tarinallisessakin mielessä) kirjoitettu!! Kuvasit niin kauniisti Dewnin, että hyvä ettei itku päässyt T_T Olisiko herroille voinut ehkä aueta tästä jonkinlainen myöhemminkin yhteyksissä pidettävä toveruus? Leppoisasta hyvä jätkä -hengestään huolimatta Dewnin todelliselle ystävälistalle on pitkä tie - jaettava trauma tosin on siinä varmasti edesauttava osatekijä. Eikä hänellä oikeastaan ole koskaan ollut ketään, jonka kanssa olisi saanut jakaa vakavan ratsastusonnettomuuden ja sen elämään loppuiäksi jättämien traumojen vaiheet. Onnettomuudesta puhuminen ei ole hänelle enää vaikeaa (vaikka totta kai aina aiheuttaa sen inhottavan tyhjyyden ja muljahtelun tunteen jonnekin vatsan ja rinnan seudulle) ja kokisi varmasti tyydytystä voidessaan ehkä auttaa jotakuta toista, joka ei vielä ole yhtä hyvin kauhuistaan ylipäässyt.
Dewn ei tosiaan ole yli vaimonsa lähdöstä, mutta life goes on. Kaukokaveruus kävisi hyvin, vaikka Dewn teknologiaa karsastaakin. Hänen isovanhempansa asuvat Suomessa, joten ehkä Nikillä ja hänellä on mahdollisuuksia tavata, jos Dewn joskus sillä suunnalla poikkeaa? Hän kun kuitenkin matkustelee mielellään. =) Ja tietysti jos Niki ja Loge osallistuvat vastaisuudessakin Orange Woodin tapahtumiin, siitä saa lisää jutun juurta! Niki tulee varmasti sopivissa kohdin vilahtelemaan Dewnin tarinoissa.